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Celestial Orbs

Angelology is the study – albeit philosophically – of angels.

Normally I would not venture to add my two-penneth into the mix of such a heady metaphysical discussion but today, ladies, gentlemen and beings not of this Earth, I will be making an exception. You see, new evidence has come to light proving the existence not only of angelic beings, but also of their corporeal functions.

I give you – drum roll please maestro – Angel Poo:

Yes, for all that Thomas Aquinas used the famous ‘how many angels can sit on the end of a needle’ question to illustrate the finer points of arguments and logic, we can now prove that the answer is ‘not many judging by the size of their leavings’.

So it appears that somewhere high in the heavens an angel did its business resulting in a storm over some Southern engineer’s house and the resulting droppings landed on his lawn. Just this one bloke’s lawn though; nobody else’s. He’s special: crapped on by the divine.

Damn, it’s not meant to be a blessing it’s supposed to be offensive! God, why can’t I get anything right?

Of course there are other theories as to what this mysterious substance is, this strange thing which bursts on impact (but fell from the sky huh?), such as it’s florists’ gel, or marine animal eggs. But the scientists have proved these theories incorrect you know. Must be angel poo.

Well, it could be that some kid threw his xploders ammo into their garden and it hydrated during the storm but that would just be silly.


The Hall of Tortured Souls

As an introduction to this entry I would like to offer this short video clip. When I saw this at the cinema this received a standing ovation:

And yes I am a nerd

So, it is established that I hate Bill Gates just as much as the next nerdy weirdo, but do I think he’s the Antichrist? Er… no. To be frank, Sam Neill makes a more convincing Antichrist (and I hated Omen 3)!

And on to the point: Bill Gates is THE BEAST! No, ‘s true, see, if you take all the letters in ‘Bill Gates III’ and then convert it in ASCII code (American standard code for information interchange) and then add up all the numbers you will get 666, which is the number of the beast. Which is impressive if you think about it, because that rather implies that the writer of the book of revelations was aware of ASCII. Or perhaps he wasn’t, perhaps this is all done by design! There’s no such thing as coincidence is there? But before you dismiss this out of hand you need to consider all the evidence for Billy’s Satanism.

What is also quite damning is the Hall of Tortured Souls that lives inside Excel 95. This little Easter egg is a small Doom-like game which is a window to the Hell that exists within Gates and his evil empire! The walls are peppered with pictures of the damned, and are further proof of his diabolical endeavours. And, of course, couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the people who programmed this little game for a bit of fun.

Added in to all of this if you’re a weirdo you can read ‘World Wide Web’ as ‘666’ and as Bill Gates invented the internet… oh wait, he didn’t but… er… LOOK! IT’S A GOODYEAR BLIP!

Er… also, ‘Bill’ sometimes becomes ‘Billy’ and goats are often called ‘Billy’ and billy goats are quite synonymous with imagery of Satan.

And that, people, is what we call a sound argument.

Revelations 13:18: Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.

November 22, 1963

You can’t have a conspiracies blog without talking about the JFK assassination. Actually, I think there’s a rule about that somewhere, written down and everything!

The big thing about JFK is that there is video evidence of what happened to him. See, on the Zapruder film you can see the procession driving along their merry way through Dealey Plaza and then boom: Kennedy’s head goes back and to the left, brains all over the back of the car and there goes poor Jackie trying to pick up the bits of his brain.

It’s awful, but at least we have undeniable evidence for what happened, right?


Whilst I am aware that there are inconsistencies flying all over the place with regards some of the official accounts, the one thing that I do not buy is the increasingly popular notion that ‘The Driver Did It!’ (you have to capitalise the sentence, it’s so much more dramatic that way).

Apparently, the limo driver was a very talented man. He was able to drive the presidential candidate and fire his gun into the president’s face without a single person who was actually there noticing! He managed to get away with it all these years until someone looked at the film and spotted the driver was LOOKING AT KENNEDY! Damning.

I think this picture proves that this guy was balding and had hands

You see, if I were the driver, trundling along my merry way when suddenly there was a gunshot, I wouldn’t turn around. Nope, not me Sir, I’d just drive along as normal completely oblivious. That’s why the White House only employs deaf drivers these days.

There are numerous reasons for the existence of these conspiracy theories:

  1. The high profile nature of the assassinated
  2. The film footage
  3. Oswald being shot by Ruby who died very quickly afterward
  4. The inconsistencies in eye-witness accounts
  5. And this newly uncovered high quality still which proves…

The aliens helped him

I can’t believe nobody spotted it before!

There is plenty said about the September 11th conspiracy, and more than enough inconsistencies to back up almost any theory as to what really happened. But, for all you skeptics out there, I have found the ultimate piece of evidence.

We all know that the likelihood of a burning building free-falling into its own footprint in 2 seconds flat without the use of controlled demolitions is statistically almost impossible, but scientists will go screw themselves with a pointy stick after they’ve seen this!

To give you some background:

Fact number 1: The twenty dollar bill has been in circulation since about 1928 and had a minor redesign in about 1997
Fact number 2: The Illuminati secretly run the USA
Fact number 3: The Illuminati love to hide things in plain sight, hence the pyramid on US currency and all that jazz
Fact number 4: Some members of the secret organisation that actually runs the world can see into the future
Fact number 5: The world trade centre twin towers were built between 1966 and 1972

I realise that the above pieces of information may seem disparate but, put together with this last piece of information you will see that each piece of evidence backs up the rest in a beautifully circular argument. So, what do I mean? Well, if you fold a twenty dollar bill in just the right way, do you know what you see? This:

Yes, the destruction of the World Trade Centre! It’s even an aeroplane shape! This simple folding trick proves that the WTC attack was premeditated and actually dates back to the original design of the $20 bill back almost a hundred years ago when the psychic Illuminati foretold the event!

They even knew the name of the man they were going to frame for it:

What’s especially clever is that so many people will rubbish the idea because they don’t believe in the Illuminati, or psychic powers. So the secret overlords of the land are sat laughing in their underground bunkers because when they gave us proof – and possibly even a warning – of their Machiavellian plans they also gave us the tool to refute all the evidence. God love those disbelievers.

Money folding does give us other clues to the identity of the evil powers behind the throne. They like dogs:

And the queen has a penchant for trilbies.

Water of Life

Turn on the tap, go on.

Menacing isn’t it?

What do you mean no?

You’re only saying that because you’ve been drinking that water and that means you’re in their power!

Oh sure, don’t believe me, but when you accept that the things you learned in school are all lies (now you know that to be true don’t you?), especially the bit about science and physics, you will see that the water conspiracy finally has its video proof:

Nothing more needs to be said.

World War 3 is imminent!

People have a tendency to recognise me all the time from previous jobs, gigs, cities, university and all sorts. It still takes me by surprise and I have become a master of “oh yeah, I do remember you, good times man! But whoops, I gotta dash!” I figure it’s the hair. And I am just one civilian among many. So tell me, if I who am a nobody can get recognised here there and everywhere how the hell did nobody spot Hitler?

Oh yes, you thought he was dead but did you never stop to question the dead-in-a-ditch-on-fire story? That was a lie and a half that one! “I don’t want my body displayed in a museum or subject to vile abuses”. Great line but he didn’t take cyanide and a bullet to the head to evade this ignominious fate, no; he escaped. And not a single person recognised him. Ever. Impressive huh?

There are a few suggestions as to where he might have gone, the most popular speculation being Argentina. Argentinians are known for their inability to recognise faces from one day to the next so it would make sense that that’s where he would go to. But I’m sorry, no: see, that’s just a bit silly. He would be recognised! Even if he shaved his little tache folk would know who he was so he couldn’t have gone to Argentina. What are you; stupid? That’s the daftest conspiracy theory ever! That is far from the real truth because you see what actually happened was Hitler escaped to the Antarctic. In a submarine. To his secret base.


“I’m not travelling Ryanair – TO THE SUBMARINE!”

Now, you might be tempted to think through the practical problems of this plan (food, clothing, constant supplies, the months under the sea, heating the base, subsequent advances in technology which would allow us now to find this base by satellite for example, etc.), but Hitler had something that makes a mockery of everything you think you know about the Great Dictator: Aliens!

Artist’s impression of the aliens greeting Hitler as he arrived in Neuschwabenland after the war.

It all makes sense now doesn’t it?

The Nazis experimented for years with alien technologies, but where were the aliens who gave them these technologies? It’s a big question but for some reason people rarely ask it. Never fear though fact fans, the answer is: The Aliens weren’t sipping coffee in the Reichstag, they were hiding under the ice! So where better for Hitler to go when his regime fell than to Antarctica? There he could build his regime anew and plan for the coming of the Fourth Reich. But this time he would ensure his success with his alien friends who were very nice to him and kept him alive so that he could lead the coming armada.

We have yet to divine the main reason for the aliens wanting to help Hitler or why, what with all their power and science, they didn’t just wipe out everyone who wasn’t a Nazi-fuckhead. But we know there are Nazi aliens because if you look carefully on a clear night with a powerful enough telescope you can see their moon base.

So there you have it: Hitler is alive and living with aliens, planning to destroy the Earth.

It’s all true. I read it on the internet.

Either that or he’s travelling the 86 bus.

There are some conspiracy theories that make such a connection with people they transcend lifetimes; like the moon landing, and it wouldn’t surprise me if the 9/11 conspiracies last too. I don’t know what it is that makes these theories last where others fade into obscurity but there are people who weren’t around in 1967 (or even 1987) who genuinely believe that Paul McCartney has been dead for 5 decades.

Er… riiiiiight….

So, I had head the ‘Paul is Dead’ theory existed and that there were ‘clues’ in Beatles album art work and covers but the depth of these proofs is… broad/insane/blinkard/forced/unreal <insert appropriate adjective here></madness> Why if, as is claimed, Paul McCartney died would you then go about making obscure references to this fact in album covers? Or is this the music industry equivalent of Blofeld standing over Mr. Bond crowing about how clever he’s been and how Bond will never fight his way into the secret lair which is located only two miles south and for which the secret password is “blofeld is awesome”? If it were a matter of publicity, time could have been called on the ‘lie’ years ago and boosted Beatles’ album sales 50-fold, then the remaining living Beatles could cash in. Or is that just a mote too simple? Of course it is; this is a conspiracy we’re talking about here.

The way I see the story, Paul McCartney died in a car crash in 1967 and was replaced by a fake Paul (or ‘Faul’ as he is now known) to maintain the popularity and sales of the group. Faul underwent a disturbing amount of surgery to change his appearance, vocal training so that he could sing and musical training to give him the ability to play bass and write songs. All this was achieved in a few short months before the next album was released and Faul married a beautiful popular celebrity. The lie has been playing out ever since.

 Bet ya if I grew a mustache I’d look pretty different too!

Now I realise that I’ll probably get flamed for such a radical idea but hear me out a moment. What if… just what if… Macca had the car accident and had a couple of injuries that required a bit of plastic surgery, or maybe he had a broken jaw or a minor stroke or something; would that not explain the difference in appearance (slight as it is)? And what if the Beatles had heard of the Paul is Dead theory and deliberately chose to add things into the album art work that would mix it up a bit? Does that not make more sense?


Then I guess maybe they were a British propaganda weapon designed to undermine the morals of American youth and that’s where all the money came from to finance the creation of Faul and why it was all so important!

We have found the truth people! Let it be told!


At least we know Latoya and Michael are different people now… or do we?


There’s a lot of impostering about these days huh? Anyway…

Oh wait, there are plenty of you talking about it out there. Well… good job soldiers. We’ll get those damned Yankees/commies/black ops guys yet.

What I can’t get over is how quickly and easily a replacement was found who looked so much like McCartney in the first place! Who was willing to cut off all ties with his own life and go on to become someone he wasn’t? But who, upon trying to become one of the most famous men in the world, at the time became mystically endowed with the capacity to play an instrument, sing and write songs! You know there are people who train for years to master talents like that and Faul did it in weeks. What a guy!

Beat it

Even if you’re not a fan you have to admit that the Beatles made a significant difference to the music world. It was simplistic, repetitive, far from revolutionary (until you get to Lennon’s later years; ‘She loves you yeah, yeah, yeah’ is not politically subversive however you want to look at it), but wildly popular. It was different! It was even controversial at the time; National Review founder William F. Buckley, said of The Beatles in 1964 that they were “So unbelievably horrible, so appallingly unmusical, so dogmatically insensitive to the magic of the art, that they qualify as crowned heads of anti-music.”

But my word, if we only knew the truth! Buckley was on to something but it was just the tip of the iceberg. The Beatles weren’t bad musicians or even just a bland boy band, no: “The Beatles had no genuine musical talent, but were a product shaped according to British Psychological Warfare Division specifications.” —Lyndon LaRouche, from the pamphlet, “Why Your Child Became a Drug Addict”

Early promotional photograph released in the UK of The Beatles destroying American teenagers’ morals.

Ooooookay Mr. LaRouche, let me see if I’ve got this straight. The Psychological Warfare Division operated throughout the Second World War in conjunction with the USA, BUT after WWII there were numerous white and black ops operatives who were just left kicking their heels. We all know that you can’t leave a good black ops guy hanging, so the British government figured they’d give the poor loves something to do – keep them out of trouble and all – and forced them to create a pop band who would undermine the morals of American youth. Why? Power. It’s always power, and an army of drones is far easier to control than a handful of individuals, and although it would be easy to point out that the youth of America may follow whatever orders are given even if it is their own government doing the telling, but we all know how compelling an English accent is. Just look at Christopher Lee.

So why not be nice to the USA? They did finally decide to come and bomb some bad guys with us, that’s where the PWD began in the first place, but it is so much more fun to subjugate them with guitar music. We could have gone and bombed North America but they had the muscle, we have the brains!

And the very small drum kit.

And it wouldn’t have satisfied the boredom of all the PWD guys either.

The Beatles lured America’s youth into the drug-rock counterculture and then the social engineers began “Operation Satan”. Well, there’s nothing like hiding in plain sight is there? Operation Satan of course taught us all that it was OK to be gay.

Real fucking evil.

So, Mr. LaRouche, it seems that the British Psychological Warfare Division has done its job and now America has a great music scene, still appreciates the Beatles, and is finally making tracks in accepting homosexuality as normal. What bastards those pesky Brits are huh?

Dungeons and Derangement

If only Alistair Crowley were alive today he’d be running round in the nuddy, eating small children and playing Dungeons and Dragons. The Great Beast, The Wickedest Man Alive, founder of the Order of the Golden Dawn and ranked Ipsissimus would have approved of RPGs; you can tell, they’re pure evil.

People naively think that Dungeons and Dragons (also an 80’s cartoon), is a simple role playing game involving the use of one’s imagination, pen, paper and dice. An innocent hobby played predominantly by young white males with limited social skills, bad hygiene and who remain virgins up to the age of about 37 when they have finally managed to save up enough money to pay for a prostitute’s services (but only when they can guarantee that their parents are definitely out for the whole evening). So who’s naïve? Well let me tell you something, if you believe the above then it is most definitely you, because D&D is a gateway to Satanism. And if you don’t believe me here’s a cartoon that proves it:

I found it on the internet so it must be true.

Of course, I also found this lovely blog by Arturis who says that “you learn about as much about “real life” magic from a D&D game as you do about aquatic life from watching Spongebob Squarepants,” but he’s obviously been corrupted and is trying to pull more people into his seedy underworld of 20-sided dice and the ritual sacrifice of a black cock and a white hen on all the appropriate dates.

Dungeons and Dragons is a killer. There are first-hand accounts of this! Many a child who role-plays has been found dead by (seemingly) his own hand and there can only be one explanation for it. Choose one of the following, but here’s a clue; it can’t possibly be the last one:

A) Satan did it.
B) A demon did it.
C) Satan/a demon made them do it.
D) Cult members did it.
E) The child did it themselves because they couldn’t get close enough to Satan.

How many times do I have to say it: Correlation does not equal cause! Kids get depressed. Fact. Some kids take their own lives. Fact. It’s sad but true, it happens, but a plethora of young adults killing themselves because their imaginary character died in a game or because of Satanism is just plain silly. Credit the young with some intelligence, please.

But I suppose I could be quite wrong, I mean, the devil works in mysterious ways and is well known for speaking backwards on vinyl recordings and forcing people to do all kinds of crazy things. Why shouldn’t he recruit people through games that require them to use their minds, imagination, intelligence, creativity, social skills etc.? These are clearly bad traits to be in possession of. If only more children would play sports and limit the use of their minds then the world would be a much much happier place, wouldn’t it?

Jesus had a Buzz Cut

Anybody that I grew up with would tell you the same kind of things about me: I was a troubled teen, walked around like I was ready to eat your face off, wouldn’t because I was useless and seven year olds could kick my ass, and I was a goth. I was a goth first and foremost because I loved the music, everything from the 70’s/80’s Goth scene to the (then) present day Industrial & Metal genres. I also look stunning in black fishnet. I therefore feel more than qualified to comment on the completely ridiculous preconceptions that certain people have about the goth community. Among others, I’m looking at you BC from Adequacy.

Goths are, for the most part, just like me. Some of them have a greater sense of the dramatic than others, some write terrible poetry, they are NOT Emos, and neither are they all headed for the seedy underground world of vampirism. I simply cannot express my incredulity at this idea. Sure, the practice happens (I personally haven’t heard of it in the UK but I know it’s documented in the USA), but just because A goth practices vampirism it does not mean that ALL goths do it! Hitler was a vegetarian but that doesn’t mean that all vegetarians are going to go and invade Poland.

It seems a classical education is more lacking these days than I previously thought.

Apparently goths are “disturbingly sex crazed”, well, frankly… there is so much wrong with this statement I don’t know where to start. Other than repeating the above logical argument, I would like to ask what the hell is wrong with sex? I for one do not want to end up in a world run by Christine O’Donnell. Also, this remark is made by a man who wrote the following article about sex dolls *cough hypocrite*

The last and most significant misunderstanding that seems to surround the subculture is the assumption that goths are Satanists. Most people can’t tell the difference between Satanism and Demon worship but I’ll leave that be for now, otherwise, I’m pretty certain that if virgins were regularly being stolen away for evil sacrificial rituals someone would have noticed by now. There are a lot of goths out there! Since the 80’s too! You would think we’d have seen a population drop given supply and demand… Perhaps that’s where the moral decline is coming from: children are becoming more sexually promiscuous to save themselves from ritual slaughter! It isn’t the sexualisation of children, it’s the proliferation of goths that’s making our 12 year olds pregnant! I would like to finish this entry by directly quoting GENUINE recommendations for how to tackle the ‘goth problem’. These are all so stupid I don’t need to point out why:

  • Wearing of black banned in all schools. Goths prey upon the young and weak – no right thinking adult would become a Goth, so they depend on hoodwinking immature minds to spread their deviant, dangerous creed. Like Scots with Tartan (seriously?), or Jews with skullcaps (we’re back to the Hitler thing!), it is well known that stomping out the clothing of the creed harms the creed itself. We must fight fire with fire – we must not lose the raging battle for the minds of our children.
  • All people suspected of being goths should have their bloodcounts regularly measured. If there is a shortfall, clearly they must be participating in Vampiric and Goth-like behaviour, in which case they can be sent to a place of Christian re-education.

  • More Christian education in schools. The fact that these demonic ways of thinking are spreading among adolescents is entirely due to the lack of proper religious education in schools. Beelzebub, through his high school intermediaries, is filling the gap and turning the minds of our children to poison.
  • No cliques allowed in schools. If we look at high school ‘jocks’ (‘jock’ isn’t a clique?)we can see that they provide a wonderful role model for our children. We should elevate them to a position above other children and encourage all children to be like them(I’m sorry but fuck you. Fuck you with a big pointy stick).
  • Goth music, like the Sisters of Mercy, the Cure, and so on must be completely stamped out. We should encourage decent Godly music, like ‘Yesterday’ by Paul McCartney or Handel’s Messiah. It has been shown that the music Goths listen to promotes depression and antisocial behaviour (See my reaction to ‘The Mull of Kintyre’ and then talk about how wholesome McCartney is).
  • Earpiercings, tatoos etc banned. Another hallmark of the Goth is bodily modification. This is because they don’t respect the body God gave them, and eventually they hate it. So they seek to ‘improve’ it with beastly decorations and implants. This must be stopped so we can have a reasonable, whole society again.
  • Ban long hair. It is well known that long hair is not Christian. No followers of Jesus ever had long hair, so all those with collar length or longer hair are under suspicion. All schools should insist in properly cropped hair, except for girls, for whom the converse applies.

I would like to dedicate this entry to Sophie Lancaster: today is Hug a Goth Day.